The Forgotten Bride-to-be

Planning a wedding during the Covid era is a pretty fraught experience, especially when you’re a bride in her mid-forties. With my fiancé and I in the home stretch of our lengthy engagement period, I find myself thinking about something that has filled many pages in my journal – how women of a certain age are treated when they find lasting love.

It doesn’t take long to figure out we are very much the stepchild among our betrothed sisters. Bridal magazines are stacked with images of couples 35 and under, nary a mid-life duo to be found. We are also missing from nuptial etiquette and advice columns, none of which address the unique challenges of settling down later in life.

I wasn’t exactly surprised by the media’s discriminating stance — women beyond childbearing years have long been considered less worthy of attention. But I was shocked to encounter a similar attitude from several loved ones.

Admittedly, Steve and I got engaged in March of 2020, just as Covid-19 hit with devastating force. Celebrating was the last thing on anyone’s mind. We postponed our wedding because of the pandemic, then postponed it again two more times. In the interim, I read a lot of heartwarming stories about couples whose nearest and dearest got creative, hosting Zoom parties, etc. With the exception of three beloved, enormously thoughtful cousins, my family made no such effort. Over the course of 18 months, not a single congratulatory card or virtual Champagne toast. At the first large gathering in nearly two years, no mention was made of my engagement.

After admitting to two close relatives how hurt I was, they were unmoved. One relegated my feelings to the category of being a “bride with a lot of emotions.” The other said —

“I don’t know what support you wanted or expected. You certainly did not ask anyone for advice, assistance or guidance. You hired a wedding planner and you were doing things on your own. Your comments are not accurate, correct or even logical.”

This pretty much sums up the prevailing attitude toward those of us who marry later in life. We are made to feel that, since it took us longer to find happily ever after, we somehow forfeit our right to the emotional support younger brides are automatically given in spades. While they are regularly asked about the big day, we become self-conscious even bringing it up because of the deafening silence. It has reached a point where I am almost at a loss for words when someone is inquisitive, that’s how unexpected it is. Contrary to popular belief, being older and better equipped to plan a wedding does not negate the perfectly normal desire to receive encouragement from loved ones.

The painful absence of most of my kin has made me even more grateful for everyone who has stepped up to be by my side. Maid of honor and dear cousin Carla organized a lovely bridal tea party inspired by my love of all things British. Along with a surprise engagement party, Steve’s family hosted a beautiful shower that reinforced how fortunate I am to have such amazing in-laws. They have continually gone out of their way to be supportive and communicate their happiness for us. As I told Steve’s mom, I know now where he gets his huge heart and thoughtful ways from.

Another comforting example of how the ties that bind often have nothing to do with sharing DNA – the extraordinary kindness of my fellow Mount Holyoke alums.

These incredible women, many of whom I have never met, are flooding our mailbox with cards, gifts and support. Wrote one MHC sister —

“You have a community behind you, cheering you on.”

Steve and I are also blessed to have a community of dear friends, including our fabulous wedding party, with us every step of the way. We love you all dearly.

A bit of advice for those who happen to be in the orbit of a first-time bride over 40. Unless she explicitly states otherwise, assume she actually does want the same fanfare and consideration extended to most engaged women. Rather than dismissively saying you saw a picture of it on social media, ooh and ahh over her ring just once. Instead of opining that she doesn’t need to have a shower or should have a small destination affair, ask how the planning is going without any judgmental commentary.

And if she occasionally dares to bring up the wedding, try to exhibit the same enthusiasm you would want for yourself leading up to such a milestone occasion. We all deserve compassion, even those of us whose route to the altar isn’t a traditional one.