New York City Gal

It Could Have Been Me

Like everyone around the world, I am shocked and saddened by the passing of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. But when I first heard the news about each of them, I was also struck by something else.

It could have been me.

The CDC reported this week that suicide rates increased by 25% across the United States between 1999 and 2016. According to AFSP, there are nearly 45,000 suicides every year in the US. Two years ago, I was almost one of them.

I had it all planned, right down to the day and time. Will updated, goodbye letters written, method decided (prescription drug overdose). Living no longer felt like an option, let alone desirable. Depression had me in its vise-like grip, intensified by two tumultuous cross-country moves and a painful breakup, plunging me into a despair unlike anything I had ever experienced before. I was convinced I would never feel like myself again. What soon followed was a relentless voice in my head asking over and over–why even be here anymore?

By the grace of God, something stopped me on that December night in 2016. And an enormous part of what pulled me back from the brink was unfailing support from family and friends. Three loved ones in particular made me realize I needed help. They saw the warning signs and cared enough to do something about it.

Be that person. Trust your instincts. If someone you know seems off, ask the hard questions and continually reinforce they are not alone. Depression is a beast that creates shame and isolation. It deceives you into thinking that being a prisoner of your own mind is a failure of character. Those who are fighting it with everything they have need to be reminded help is out there.

 A New York State partnership with the nonprofit group Crisis Text Line will allow people to connect with a crisis counselor by texting “GOT5” to 741-741.

The devastation wrought by suicide inevitably comes with the haunting question–why? How could two extraordinary individuals like Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, so accomplished and adored, both with loving partners and children, reach a point of such overwhelming hopelessness? I remember being on the receiving end of similar disbelief after revealing what I had gone through. People often don’t understand that mental illness doesn’t discriminate. As Bryan Cranston poignantly observed on Twitter today–

“Success is not immune to depression. We all need to be more aware of our friends who are suffering.”

I know the self-loathing I felt at my worst. I can’t begin to imagine the exponentially more intense feelings Ms. Spade and Mr. Bourdain were battling because they were public figures. Especially in this age when social media makes it dangerously easy to bully, attack and harass with the touch of a few keystrokes.

We need to change the conversation around mental health issues. To remove the stigma of it and applaud those courageous enough to share their stories. Mariah Carey got more attention for alleged weight loss surgery than she did for her brave, candid interview revealing she has been battling bipolar disorder for years. What kind of a message does that send to the many who are also struggling with the disease?

And make no mistake, depression is a disease. But unlike physical illness, the treatment for it is not an exact science. I know this from the terrifying roller coaster of being on multiple medications as doctors scrambled to figure out which combination my brain would respond to. It took two hospitalizations, two outpatient programs and a brilliant, determined psychiatrist to put me on the long, hard-fought path to recovery.

I still remember the day I finally threw out my stash of anti-depressants. That’s the thing about a near death experience. As anyone who’s been there knows, you never forget it. Like the impact of an earthquake, your emotional geography is forever altered. I view life and its fragility through a very different prism now. All the platitudes about living life to the fullest and making the most of every day–these are my cornerstones now. Having come perilously close to losing it all, I don’t want to squander a single minute of the second chance I’ve been given.

As we mourn the heartbreaking losses of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, there is comfort in their beautiful legacies. The lessons they taught us–to live life in color, to challenge ourselves to embrace the new and unknown, will endure.

May we honor these two souls by taking their wisdom to heart–and each doing our part to help those who are suffering find their way back to the light.